Melissa’s blog

Haunted...

nobody@vox.com(Melissa) — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 21:41:58 -0800

I am and will forever be haunted by children. I cannot get through a single day with them without reflecting on how things went...

did I say the right thing?
was I too easy on them?
too hard on them?
is he/she ok?
what should I have done differently?
I can't believe he/she/I said that!
wow, that was fun!
wow that sucked!
wow I get paid how much for this?

Today was my coworker's birthday and she brought in a pinata. I knew it was going to be crazy because honestly- giving them permission to hit something with a stick and then giving them candy? Recipe for craziness. Things were just too dang wild to begin with. I had one child who was particularly ridiculous...I kept giving him warnings but it really didn't help...and so I told him he couldn't participate and he was so mad...even though he said he didn't deserve to be a part of the festivities when I asked him about it. He left, still very angry with me, and I couldn't stop thinking about whether or not I was fair.

I think I deserve some of the blame. I need to joke around less and expect more. Tolerate less, be more serious. It's hard to transition from friend to teacher. In the beginning, I swore that I would come in tough and not put up with crap. Easier said than done- especially once you get to know the kids. Bah. I'm not perfect. I'll learn as I go.

Another thing...the child in my group that wasn't acting himself or smiling...well, I feel like he's doing better. I don't think my boss did anything about it (she kind of sucks at this job) but I've been joking with him a lot and he's been smiling more and just generally behaves better. He's still pretty aggressive at times (sproutball) but hopefully things are getting better.

Quote of the day:

"Jose and I should get to hit the pinata first because we're Mexican!"

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I deserve a badge...

nobody@vox.com(Melissa) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 20:36:06 -0800

...because I survived today.

I work at an elementary school. I have a group of 5th and 6th graders called group G, and my coworker Kate has another group of 5th and 6th graders called group H. Each group has 16 kids.
About 5 minutes before I left for work, I received a text message from Kate, "There's an ambulance parked in front of the school..." and then "And a firetruck" followed by, "And they just took a person out". I immediately begin thinking about one of my kids that I have been worried about for a while and it freaks me out a bit...what if something happened to one of them? I have no idea what I would do.

So I get to work and Kate says she has not found out what happened yet. I went into the office and asked Deb, the secretary, what was up with the ambulance. She said, "We had an incident" and I asked her, "Was it one of the kids?". As soon as she said no, I immediately felt relieved and didn't stick around for anymore details because frankly, she didn't seem to be offering them. So I got all my supplies ready (we were going to make dirt cups) and prepared for my day.

I met my group upstairs at 3pm sharp to find out that the 6th grade teacher was the one carted away in the ambulance because she had some sort of shaking fit or something. The kids were pretty stirred up/upset about it, understandably. We took them into the gym and started basketball on one side and sproutball on the other. Tia gets smacked really hard with a ball and immediately starts crying. I began playing sproutball (my favorite game in the world) when Kate yelled my name and called me over to a kid who was on the ground. He's honestly one of the sweetest kids ever, and there he was, rolling on the ground, crying and clutching his face. When he pulled his hands away, there was blood everywhere.

When you get a cut in your mouth, it tends to look like your entire mouth is bleeding because the blood goes all over your teeth and gums. So Caleb had blood everywhere and was pretty much hysterical. I tried to calm him down and explain to him that he was ok but it didn't work very well. The kids started gathering around and I kept them back as much as I could. Kate (who had ran to the office) came back and said we needed to move him to the main office. I picked him up off the ground and Kate took him to the office.

A minute or so later, I asked around to see how it happened. It turns out a girl, Caly, accidentally elbowed him in the face. She started to cry when she was talking to me about it and said the other kids were blaming her and yelling at her for it. She and a friend went out into the hallway. It was time for gym to be over so I rounded up all the kids and explained to them that Caleb was ok and that it wasn't fair to yell at Caly when it was clearly an accident. During this time, another kid came up to me and said I needed to send Ryan to the office for hitting Jose.

The kids got their snacks and were seated in the MPR. I called Ryan up to me. Ryan is a small kid with a terrible lisp and Jose is a bigger, athletic kid who is pretty aggressive. Ryan told me what happened (with tears in his eyes) and we talked it through, he returned to his seat. I then notice that Caly and three of her friends are still in the hallway and everyone looks upset. She refuses to come back into the room or go to the office and says she wants to hide somewhere. At this point, I am unsure of what to do because Kate is still in the office with Caleb and we are shortstaffed by 3 people. I have group G and H under my wing. I told her to take a few minutes and then come back in.

Some time passes, I send another kid for her, and she is nowhere to be found. Kate ends up finding her and I start playing cards with some of the other kids.

A few minutes later, my boss walks in and says that Caly is in hysterics in the office because everyone was so mean to her. She starts talking to a table of boys about how they were treating her. One boy starts crying. Another of Caly's friends is crying as well. I'd like to add that during this entire period of time, two kids continuously come up to me to ask for help with their Spelling homework. Over and over, for almost every word.

We decide to start making our dirt cups and split up into our groups once more. Caleb ends up going home with a swollen lip, nothing too terrible, and Caly is still crying somewhere. So we start making pudding and smashing up off-brand Oreos (Twist and Shouts). Clean up time rolls around so I send a few responsible kids to go wash out the dishes. I then notice that I can't find two of my boys, Chris and Ryan (a different Ryan). I send a responsible kid to go look for them and Adam tells me, "Chris fell down the stairs and is crying." Fucking awesome. I bring him into the MPR and he shows me a huge bruise on his arm and another on his leg. I ask, "Why were you on the stairs?" and get no answer. I am also told that another kid, Steven, kicked him. Steven isn't even in our program so I really have no idea what to do, because he's denying the whole thing.

Chris, who is crying and bruised, gets called to go home. Awesome, I love sending my kids home injured and full of tears.

We end up in the computer lab, where nothing tragic happens. I think the shenanigans ended about there.

Let's take a count of crying kids: Caleb, Caly, Mackenzie (her friend), Tia, Ryan, Chris, Braxton...and then later, when we got home, Kate and I.

I feel bad about what happened to all of them. I hate it that I can't protect them from injury and meanness of other kids. I hate the fact that when it rains, it pours.

I need a drink.

But one little thing I have to share...so, our secretary, Deb, is pretty damn intimidating. To the kids and the staff. I've been working on her all year and I think she likes me a lot. I got her to buy me a candy bar in exchange for jewelry made from pipe cleaners and beads. I ended up giving the candy to the kids...

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QotD: Long Distance Love Affair

nobody@vox.com(Melissa) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 09:17:51 -0800

Do you think real love can last throughout any distance, or will long distance end most relationships?
Submitted by Miss Joy.

I am personally not a fan of long distance relationships, but there are some issues to think about.

1. Did the relationship start off long distance?
2. Do the people in the relationship ever get to see each other face to face?
3. Is the relationship long distance indefinitely or is there an end in sight?
4. How mature are the people in the relationship?

I would never start a relationship that I knew would be long distance, however, if I were in a relationship and it became long distance due to some legit circumstance, I may consider continuing the relationship. Would I be in a relationship where I never got to see the other person? Probably not. I think being together is what relationships are all about- relating- and I think this needs to be done in person, really. Is there an end in sight, that is- are the people going to be reunited in a year or two? I would not be in a relationship where there were no plans to be near each other permanently in the near future. I think long distance relationships can work if the people are mature. I would not choose one for myself, by any means. I'd rather live my life and maybe get back with the person when we live in the same town again.

~~~~~

It is cold, and I don't like it. All my classrooms are freezing but my workplace is a sweltering desert of doom. It makes life annoying. Plus, I usually run around a lot at work and I'm pretty sweaty by the end of every day. It's great. Jenna is having surgery so I'm a bus rider again. Sometimes I think it'd be convenient to have a parking pass but I don't really want to have to drive every day. It's just a pain. Things are going well.

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Oh, Kansas...

nobody@vox.com(Melissa) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 17:04:02 -0800

Now today it was 64 degrees outside. What sense does that make? It was also ridiculously windy. Tomorrow it is supposed to be in the 30s. I understand that Kansas is indecisive and I am patiently waiting for it to decide to be warm, like it does (eventually) every year.

In other news, I am actually reading my textbooks for once. What the heck is that about? Maybe it will wear off as the semester goes on, who knows. I bought my books online and I'm pretty sure I saved some money. Too bad several of my professors demanded that we buy brand new editions of our books. Bummer.

One of my kids at work has been acting really strange lately. He's been overly aggressive and angry, and always looks sad. He hasn't smiled very much at all. I told him it was time to go today and he said, "Where?" and I said, "Home." and he said, "I hate going home." I asked him why but he wouldn't respond. I talked to my boss about it but she didn't seem to care very much and I'm pretty sure she's not going to say anything to his parents. He said something a few weeks ago about wanting to jump off a roof. I am going to keep pestering my boss until she does something. I made a note for his classroom teacher so maybe she'll talk to his parents. I never get to see the parents or else I would do it myself. He's a good kid and I don't want anything to happen to him. I just wish I could protect all these kids from how harsh life can be...I know I can't do that, but I will at least try to figure out ways for them to enjoy the little time we have together. Maybe our after school time can be the positive side of their days.

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I hate you, Kansas...

nobody@vox.com(Melissa) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 04:54:41 -0800

It is currently 1.7 degrees Fahrenheit outside.

That's really all I have to say.

But, considering it is Kansas, it'll probably be in the sixties this weekend...let's look...hmm, high of 49 on Saturday.

I hate you, Kansas. I hate you.

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QotD: Happy Birthday To Me

nobody@vox.com(Melissa) — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 21:03:52 -0800

How do you feel about your birthday? Do you look forward to it and remind all your friends, or do you dread it and try to keep it a secret?

I have always loved birthdays, probably because my mom made a big deal about them when I was a kid. I used to have dreams about my birthday and about opening gifts and all that. When I was a kid, I used to get really excited- especially since I have a summer birthday- and I usually had a pool party because we used to have a pool. I still anticipate my birthday each year but it has lost some of its charm since I've gotten older. This is probably because I'm not going to have any milestone birthdays for a while. I turned 21 last year and that was pretty much just like any other birthday.

I'll never forget how excited I was to turn 10 and 13...16, 18, 20...each of those years seemed to be something special or more grown up. I'm glad I have a future career with children so I can make their birthdays special too.

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QotD: Five Good Words

nobody@vox.com(Melissa) — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 08:35:03 -0800

What are five words you really like?
Submitted by purplesque.

1. Splendid
2. Shenanigans
3. Ridiculous
4. Apparently
5. Definitely

I know there are other, more creative words that I like but I can't think of them at the time. These are words I actually use and enjoy using. Hopefully I can think of the rest.

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2007 in review survey...

nobody@vox.com(Melissa) — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 22:44:36 -0800

I had this on my Xanga filled out for 2005, so I figured I'd fill it out again for 2007

2007 "Year in Review"

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I flew alone and traveled more than I ever have before...I ziplined through the jungles of Costa Rica, saw my first Broadway shows (Wicked and later, Avenue Q) and was in a wedding. I also moved into my very own placeand began at a University.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I think I resolved to exercise 2-3 times a week, which I did and will continue to do. I resolve to plan cool stuff to do for the kids I work with, continuing working out...and just keep up the good work in general.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No

4. Did anyone close to you die?
The Haggards and Dan Boone

5. What countries did you visit?
Costa Rica

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
More downtime

7. What date(s) from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Matt and Shauna's wedding, my first days in Lawrence, seeing the Statue of Liberty and seeing Wicked

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Straight As while taking 18 hours and working

9. What was your biggest failure?
Nothing big but some little setbacks.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No except for the fact that I randomly cannot hear out of my right ear.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets and books?

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mom for pulling everything off.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Hmm...no one in particular comes to mind

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, random apartment stuff, books and movies, and into my bank account.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Harry Potter 7! And moving out :)

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Anything by Miranda Lambert...what else did I listen to this year?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
Happier

ii. Thinner or fatter?
Probably just in better general shape

iii. Richer or poorer?
Richer :D

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I did a lot.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying, criticizing

20. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Still in love from 2006 :)

23. How many one-night stands?
None

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Scrubs, Mystery Diagnosis

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't really hate anyone, in fact, I tolerate some people better than I did before.

26. What was the best book you read?
Harry Potter 7, A Thousand Splendid Suns, Water for Elephants

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Miranda Lambert

28. What did you want and get?
The apartment that I wanted complete with a cool room...lots of books and movies :)

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Harry Potter 5, The Departed (just saw it in 07), 1408...lots of Miyazaki moives

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21 and many people would probably laugh at the fact that I did not get drunk or buy alcohol. I had dinner with my family and Tim on my birthday and then dinner with friends after my birthday. I also worked on my birthday and the kids sang to me and gave me a card, which was awesome.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Probably not taking 8 hours of Geography in one semester or just skipping C&T200 entirely.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
I wear comfortable clothes...I got some sweaters and khakis and boots for the first time in a while :)

34. What kept you sane?
Tim, Harry Potter books (they are my comfort books) and working out

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I have recently realized that I find Leonardo DiCaprio to be very sexy

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to politics this year but I will now that elections are coming

37. Who did you miss most?
My parents, Matt and Shauna

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Hannah, Ashley and Lauren...as well as the Sunflower staff

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
Live life to the fullest- go everywhere you can and do everything possible. Stay busy, don't waste your precious time.

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2008...

nobody@vox.com(Melissa) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 20:46:58 -0800

Well, it has to be said that 2007 will be a tough year to live up to because of these events:
1. Seeing Wicked in Chicago
2. Seeing Avenue Q in KC
3. Ziplining, white water rafting and touring the jungles of Costa Rica
4. Seeing the Brooklyn Bridge and the Statue of Liberty in NYC
5. Matt and Shauna's Wedding
6. Working at Sunflower school and summer camp
7. Moving to my apartment
8. Starting education classes at KU
9. Pokemon and Miyazaki films
10. Gaining three new cousins and an aunt

Yeah, 2007 was pretty amazing and 2008 is looking pretty bleak so far...

Today my boss decided to mix up our groups. I now have 16 kids that are in 5th or 6th grade and it's an interesting mix. I like the kids that were added to my group and I am sad to see my others go. My old group had pretty much just a group of rowdy boys that caused trouble and now I've got multiple cliques of kids looking for trouble...they hate having new groups and I can't blame them. I understood my old group and we had a system down and it's going to take a while to get things back to normal. Hopefully they'll shape up and we can go back to the old ways. I've spent a lot of time planning activities and I hope I can pull them off and start having fun with the kids...we'll see.

Break is going by pretty quickly, especially now that I'm back to my apartment since I have to work again. It was nice to lay around and have my laundry done for me and cooked meals placed before me. I enjoyed coming home (not that I left much) to talkative people...and another thing, Maggie needs a roommate for next year so she might live with us or something, I think we'll work it out.

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QotD: Education, Occupation

nobody@vox.com(Melissa) — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 08:51:11 -0800

What was your major or field of study in college? Did you wind up working in that field or using that degree? If not, what field have you wound up in?
Submitted by sneuf.

I started off in Secondary English Education and then switched to Elementary Education. I still have 2.5 years left until I will be licensed, done with student teaching and ready to have my own classroom...but hey, I'm halfway through now! I sincerely hope that I end up in this field or else I will feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy that could've gone elsewhere. I'm almost positive I will teach someday. Right now it seems a little scary but I'm hoping by the time I'm done with school I will feel very prepared to teach.

~~~

Well, it's been an interesting week up here by myself. Luckily, I've spent time with friends so that has made it a lot better. It's weird being in the apartment all by myself without Tim and Deanne around. Works has had its ups and downs, that's for sure. I was with my group three days and in the homework room two days. Eventually I'll be the homework room person- I'm not sure how I feel about that. Some days, my kids drive me crazy...but other days, they make it all worthwhile. They are absolutely the only reason I am still working there. My director drives me insane and I just learned that everyone else pretty much feels the same way. We get yelled at for a variety of trivial things but we never really get praised for any of the good that we do. We also don't get supported nearly the way we should. I feel that she won't really help me when I need it and that I'm pretty much on my own. A lot of us feel very fed up. I miss Mary and the Sunflower Crew. If it weren't for the kids and the fact that they need me, I'd be out of here so fast it'd make you dizzy.

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